


Death

by mayaslan



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 11:43:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18690802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayaslan/pseuds/mayaslan
Summary: I actually don't really know how to classify this workIt's my first time writing and It's basically me talking a little about my mental health problemsDON'T READ IF  YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY :suicidal toughtsmentions of anxiety crisisbipolar disorder





	Death

**Author's Note:**

> So hey! How are you doing?  
> This is my first work and is more relections about myself and mental health than anything  
> Also English is not my first language so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes

Death

I remember as a little girl the anxiety growing in me, the feeling of knowing you would die soon but in fact you were not

It was all just inside your head

I can’t count the times I went to emergency rooms since I was seven years old only to had the doctors say I was okay 

When it didn’t felt like it was

I remember the feeling of wanting to die  
the first time I thought about it I was fourteen

the feeling that I couldn’t kill myself because my mother would blame herself and cry  
and as much as you want to die somehow It is worse to think that your mother will suffer so much because of what you’ve done 

than to have to live every single day

some days are better than the others  
sometimes I wonder if I'm really okay or if I'm just avoiding myself

Running away from my mind

sometimes it hits me so hard I just don’t know anymore if I live or just survive  
The food on my plate felt like ashes in my mouth  
but I kept eating

just as I kept surviving

I’ve never had any future perspection  
never had that many dreams  
I always thought I would be dead before I finished high school  
somehow I maneged to keep going until now

people always tell you that in college things will get better

but in fact they don’t

People are fake just like in school the difference it’s that now everybody is just so occupied they don’t give a fuck

I don’t know why I'm writing this at 1AM  
I guess it makes me feel better  
don’t worry so much about me

 

I hope that if you are just like me that you get better

I like to think I am a survivor  
back in the days I thought of myself as a loser  
but you know what?  
Living for five years thinking every single day of how much you wanna die, how much you wanna kill yourself is not easy

 

maybe I'm just trying to find one valuable thing in myself

 

I don’t know

sometimes I wonder if I wished I didn’t have any mental health issues  
and I honestly don’t know  
a lot of who I am was constructed because I have bipolar disorder

like empathy

putting myself in someone elses’s shoes before judging them  
that's a quality I love about myself  
it was really hard for me in the past to think of a quality of mine  
but I found this one  
and it may seems silly but it makes me really happy that I did

I guess with time things can get better

 

not always

 

not everything

 

but it’s a start I guess

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a mental health problem I hope that you all get through better! Good night, day or evening know that you are worthy and loved , I hope you have a wonderful year !


End file.
